The Most Important Love Affair You'll Ever Have

I was sitting with a client the other day—let's call her Mel—when she said something that made my heart ache in the most familiar way. "I just don't understand why he doesn't love me back," she whispered, tears threatening to spill. "What am I doing wrong?"

Oh, sweet Mel. Sweet, beautiful, perfectly imperfect Mel. She was asking the wrong question entirely.

Here's what I've learned from helping people navigate the treacherous waters of human connection: You cannot make someone love you. Not with the perfect outfit, not with the right words, not with sacrificing pieces of yourself until you're unrecognizable. It's like trying to force a butterfly to land on your shoulder—the harder you chase, the further it flies away.

But here's the plot twist that changes everything: You don't need to.

The Control Paradox

When we desperately want someone's love, we enter what I call the "control paradox"—we try to control the one thing that, by its very nature, cannot be controlled. Love, real love, is a choice made freely. The moment we try to manipulate someone into loving us, we're no longer dealing with love at all. We're dealing with a transaction, a performance, a house of cards that will inevitably collapse.

Have you ever been genuinely attracted to someone who was trying too hard to win your affection? That energy of desperation, of needing you to feel a certain way—it's repelling, isn't it? Not because the person is bad, but because authentic connection requires space to breathe.

The Revolutionary Act of Self-Love

So what is within your control? The most revolutionary, rebellious, life-changing thing you can do: love yourself a little bit more each day.

I'm not talking about the Instagram version of self-love—the bubble baths and face masks (though those are lovely too). I'm talking about the deep, cellular recognition that you are worthy of love simply because you exist. That your value isn't determined by another person's ability to see it.

This isn't a destination, it's a practice. Some days, loving yourself might mean setting a boundary. Other days, it might mean speaking to yourself with the same kindness you'd show a dear friend. Sometimes it's as simple as eating when you're hungry or resting when you're tired.

Creating Space for Real Love

When you stop chasing love and start embodying it, something magical happens. You create space—space for people to love you authentically, space for yourself to love others without agenda, space for genuine connection to unfold naturally.

It's like being a lighthouse. A lighthouse doesn't chase ships around the ocean, desperately flashing its beam, begging them to come closer. It simply stands in its truth, shining its light, and becomes a beacon for those who need to find their way home.

The Daily Promise

So here's my invitation to you…make a promise to yourself today. Not to be perfect, not to finally figure out how to make everyone love you, but to love yourself just a little bit more than you did yesterday.

Maybe that means speaking up in a meeting. Maybe it means saying no to plans that drain you. Maybe it means looking in the mirror and offering yourself the same forgiveness you'd give your best friend.

Remember, darling—you are not too much, and you are not too little. You are exactly enough, exactly as you are, in this moment. And that's not just my opinion; it's the truth your soul has been trying to whisper to you all along.

The love you're seeking? It starts with you. It always has.

What small act of self-love will you commit to today? Your future self is waiting to thank you.